HOGWARTS-BOT! ROLL OUT!
by PixelKind413
Summary: After Slytherin made his Chamber of Secrets, all the other founders made their own secret rooms. Ravenclaw made her own super-secret Librarium, Hufflepuff made the Room of Requirement, and Gryffindor? He decided to outdo them all. [Oneshot, crackfic, vaguely AU]


Harry sat down against the stone wall of a Hogwarts seventh floor corridor and sighed. He, Ron, and Hermione had stayed behind for the summer after their sixth year to get a head start on hunting down the Horcruxes, and they'd decided that first, they would search the whole castle as thoroughly as possible. Personally, Harry highly doubted that Voldemort would have hidden a bit of his soul in the third broom closet to the left of the Astronomy Tower, but then again, Hogwarts was always full of surprises. I mean. the entrance to Slytherin's Chamber of Secrets was in the girls' loo for goodness sake.

Harry, being Harry, had taken this whole thing way too seriously and had ended up sleeping a grand total of eight hours in as many days. He had reached the level of sleep deprivation where his state of mind was similar to a drunken Luna Lovegood. Which explained his next actions.

'Since Hogwarts is really magical,' Harry reasoned to himself, 'why doesn't she help out, too?'

This, of course, led Harry to the one place where one could actually interact directly with the castle. The seventh floor corridor, across from the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy. The Room of Requirement, known to the House-Elves as the Come-and-Go Room, was the room that became whatever the user required. Except for a magical portal that led directly to each of Voldemort's Horcruxes, apparently.

As Harry tried yet another time, he had a remarkably silly thought. 'What I really need,' he thought as he paced in front of the blank patch of wall, 'is for Hogwarts to become a giant Horcrux-Seeking mecha robot.'

Imagine Harry's surprise when this actually yields a door.

He opened the door hesitantly and peered in. It was a rather peculiar room, similar to Dumbledore's old office. The only differences were that instead of a desk, the chair had panels with all kinds of buttons on them, and the portraits showed the world outside the castle.

Suddenly a peculiar portrait appeared in front of Harry. "Hello, there," exclaimed the impressively mustached and armored man in the painting. "So you've finally found my secret room, huh?"

Harry walked fully into the room, nonplussed. "Your secret room?"

The man nodded smugly. "After good old Sally made his 'Chamber of Secrets,' everyone else started making their own hidden rooms. Helga made this handy Room, and Rowena made her super-magic-Librarium, so I decided to one-up them all and make the castle a giant robot!"

Harry eyed the slightly mad portrait with trepidation. "So you're Godric Gryffindor, then?"

The Founder's portrait nodded proudly. "That's me!"

"So... why did you make it a giant robot? Were those even things back then?"

Godric thought for a moment. "No, I don't think they were. I invented them!"

Harry thought the portrait looked far too proud about that achievement.

"But... Why?"

Godric shrugged. "I was bored. Robots are cool. I had a giant castle."

"But the Chamber sort of represented Slytherin traits, the room was helpful like Hufflepuffs, and Ravenclaw had a library. I would expect some sort of armory or something."

Gryffindor looked offended. "Honestly, what could possibly be more Gryffindor than turning the castle into a giant robot?"

Harry would have protested, but he couldn't actually find a fault in the painting's logic. He merely shrugged and sat down in the chair. Or at least tried to.

"Hold up there, buster! I don't let just anyone into my magic control chair, do I? You've got to pass a test to prove your Gryffindorness!"

Harry just looked at the large painting obstructing the 'magic control chair' and sighed. "I mean, I did pull your sword out of the Sorting Hat."

The painting shook it's head. "Not good enough."

Harry shrugged. "I killed a basilisk with it."

"So what?"

"When I was twelve."

"Hah! I ate a whole, live dragon when I was seven!"

Harry ignored the outrageous claim. "It was Slytherin's basilisk."

The portrait's eyes popped wide open. "You killed that thing? Last I saw of it, Salazar was teaching it Kung Fu. Now that's impressive right there!"

The portrait proceeded to get out of the way, and Harry sat down on the 'magic control chair' and looked at the panels. "There's no labels for any of these buttons."

Godric rolled his eyes. "Of course not, boy! Why would they need any labels?"

"So people know what everything does."

The Founder looked flabbergasted. "But... They don't have specific functions..."

Harry just looked at the portrait. "What do you mean, they don't have specific functions?"

"The buttons do whatever they happen to feel like doing when you press them."

Harry shook his head and pressed the tempting orange button he'd had his eye on for the past few minutes.

*****LINE BREAK*****

Professor McGonnagall had been peacefully preparing for the coming year when she heard a loud grinding sound, and felt the castle start moving beneath her. 'What Mr. Potter thinks he's doing, I haven't the foggiest, but he is going to stop!'

Of course, her train of thought was completely forgotten who she realized that wherever her office was, it was twice as high as it should have been.

"What...?"

*****LINE BREAK*****

Hagrid was returning from feeding the Thestrals when he saw the most confusing sight he had ever seen. Hogwarts, the CASTLE, had become a giant humanoid thing, and was walking out of the grounds.

"Well, then. Glad ter know even the castle needs ter stretch 'er legs every once in a while."

*****SCENE BREAK*****

The Gringotts Teller Ragslap, of the third desk to the right, was rather confused by the sight before him. The Castle of Hogwarts had just broken into the bank. If he listened hard enough, he could hear it wrestling with the security dragons. Fortunately for everyone involved, there was nothing even remotely like this in the Gringotts Regulation Protocol Handbook, so there was nothing to be done. He turned to the crowd gathered around the massive hole in the front of the bank, put on his Gringotts Regulation Grumpy Face, and called for the next wizard in line.

Deep down in the castle that happened to be robbing the Lestrange Vaults, Professor McGonnagall had finally found the location of Gryffindor's Control Room.

"MISTER POTTER! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

The boy shrugged helplessly. "Field Trip?"

*****LINE BREAK*****

Ron and Hermione sat in the Gryffindor Common Room. Ron, of course, was sleeping on the couch, while Hermione was doing her summer Arithmancy homework. She put the final period on the final sentence on the final paragraph of the final essay of her final summer before graduating, and looked out the window. What she expected to see was the beautiful Scottish landscape, complete with Forbidden Forest and Quidditch Pitch. What she did not expect to see was the top floor on the Ministry of Magic, complete with workers looking in through the windows confusedly.

"Ron...?"

All she got in response was snores.

"RON!"

Still, nothing.

"RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY! IF YOU DO NOT WAKE UP THIS INSTANT I WILL CONTACT YOUR MOTHER!"

Ron fell off the couch and scrambled to his feet. "I'm up! I'm up!"

He looked blearily around, and then saw out the window. "Hey, look! It's Dad!"

Indeed, Arthur Weasley was peering in through the window, concerned.

Ron began waving to him. "Hi, Dad! How's it going?"

*****LINE BREAK*****

Ron and Hermione rushed through the halls frantically. Even though the castle was somehow humanoid, it was still the same shape on the inside, which made it phenomenally easier to find the Magic Control Room of Gryffindor. Apparently, someone had tried to floo the entire castle to the ministry, so it was stuck through the entire building.

Ron was rather excited. "Maybe Harry found the Control Roommof Gryffindor and turned the entire castle into a giant robot!"

Hermione sighed. "Ron. There is no such thing as a 'Magic Control Room of Gryffindor..."

Her words died in her mouth as she entered the Magic Control Room of Gryffindor, which was only still open because Harry never actually shut the door. A silly painting of an impressively mustached knight turned to her huffily.

"Well, if there ain't no such thing, lassie," the portrait said, "where do you think you are?"

Ron stuck his head in and grinned. "Look! Harry! I was right and Hermione was wrong!"

"Shush Ron, I'm trying to get this stupid necklace off Umbridge without squashing her with this castle's stupid sausage fingers."

*****LINE*****

Voldemort sat atop his imposing throne as his Death Eaters bowed before him.

"What is the news on our plans to install Severus as Headmaster of Hogwarts?"

Death Eater number seventy-three spoke up, as it was his turn to, decided by last weeks poker game. "My Lord... The plan failed."

"Failed," repeated Voldemort dangerously. "How is that so?"

"Well, milord, while he was at our past meeting, the Hogwarts Castle disappeared."

"DUMBLEDORE! And before I forget, Crucio!"

"Severus killed him, milord."

"Don't correct me. Crucio! POTTER!"

*****LINE*****

The giant robo-Hogwarts lined up all the Horcruxes in a nice little row. The diadem, already knowing what was coming, surreptitiously tried to scoot away, but it wasn't fast enough, Hogwarts-bot shot a giant laser at them, incinerating them all. Loud wails of tiny Voldie-bits echoed through the air. Hog-bot clenched its fist and looked dramatically into the distance. "It is time." Echoed across the plains.

The effect was thoroughly ruined by a female voice. "Honestly, Harry, do you have to be so dramatic?"

"Yeah."

"Oh. Okay then."

So the Hog-bot stomped across the plains, to fight its archenemy once and for all.

"Harry, I can tell when you're self-narrating dramatically."

"No you can't"

"Yes I can."

"Nun-uh!"

"Do you have to be so childish?"

"Yes."

*****LINE*****

The Dark Lord Voldemort was, in a word, miffed. He'd been monologuing to his Death Eaters for about twenty minutes, and he'd just started really getting into his zone, he'd already gotten three cruciatuses out of the way, then BOOM. Some jerk blows up the side of his house. He decided he would start again later before heading outside to see what it was.

"My Lord!"

"Yes?"

"I have good news and bad news!"

"Good news first."

"We've found Hogwarts!"

"Excellent. Bad news?"

"It's a giant robot that wants to kill all of us."

"WHAT? CRUCIO!"

As Voldemort stared up at the mech castle, he decided that his monologue was the least important thing on his mind. Least important, that is, besides Wormtail. That guy was useless.

Fìn


End file.
